Why You’re Probably A Total Dick
I have a very simple test to discern whether or not you are a total dick. It’ll take you just a minute to complete.
When I worked in retail and customer service, I developed a theory that has proven to be 99% accurate in determining how total of a dick you are. (I did that calculation on a TI-83 calculator, so it is definitely correct.)
Here it is:
If you have ever in your life had to ask to speak to a manager in any customer service interaction, you’re probably a total dick, but this isn’t a guarantee. If you’ve had to ask to speak to a manager in a customer service interaction multiple times in your life, then you actually are a total dick.
When you think you are being wronged in a customer service interaction, you are most likely, in fact, being annoying and demanding more than a normal person would reasonably expect.
Any intelligently-run business, though, knows that customers like you aren’t worth the time or hassle. So, of course, you’ll probably get what you want when you ask to speak to a manager, no matter how ridiculous your demand.
But you’re still a total dick.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Maybe I’m a total dick here but could you elaborate on this further? So you’re saying that everyone who thinks is wronged in a customer service interaction is wrong in his assumptions?
June 29th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Definitely not saying that anyone wronged in a customer service interaction is incorrect. I’ve had it happen to me before, as have most other people. It’s just that these experiences really encompass only about 1% of all “can I speak to a manager?” type interactions. (Like I said, I did these calculations on a TI-83 calculator, which has an advanced graphing function, so I know it’s an accurate statistic.)
Most people in customer service would agree with this. As a side note, I remember when I first unleashed this theory on a friend of mine, who I already knew was a total dick. His immediate reaction was, “WHAT?! But I do that every time I don’t think I’m being treated right.” My experiences say that I get treated pretty well at every place I go; the only time I’m upset is when I’m trying to get a rep to do something outside of their regular policies for me.
I am writing this from the point of view of a former customer service manager, meaning I was the “manager” people spoke to when requested, so I am a bit biased. Generally every request made was ridiculous, my employees felt ridiculed, and the customer’s attitude in the process definitely was dickish.
June 30th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Clay, I think you should have used a TI-83 + for the MOST accurate statistic…
And, I am a total dick….but I never asked to speak to a manager….does that throw your theory off in any way?
June 30th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
I was just googling around with variations of the keyword ‘total dick’ and your site came up!
I’ve heard you make this argument b4 and I agree/disagree. Sometimes, asking for the manager can get businesses to actually do something. I’m thinking of cell phone and CC companies so of course my argument might not be valid.
Just wanted to say hi.
- T.D. Luver
July 14th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
So being a total dick works though?