The Problem With Soccer
Beta males. (Photo: Sunset Chaser)
About two days ago, I hit the seven month mark for having lived in Latin America. Although I’m loving life here, there’s one thing that bothers me more than anything else in the world: soccer players.
What a bunch of whiny beta males. I’m not going to criticize their theatrical fouls since that’s already a well-established annoyance in the world of soccer.
What I will criticize, though, is their poor mindset.
Soccer is a sport cursed by very little scoring action. It’s not abnormal to see a game where one, maybe two goals are scored in all 90 minutes of regulation time.
When a goal is scored, though, the player who scores it runs around and screams like a like a 12-year-old girl being hit with a literal flamethrower at an N’Sync concert in 1999. He acts like he never had any expectation of scoring a goal, like it was a complete surprise, and now he has to celebrate it with every ounce of his strength. He runs and hugs his teammates. He drops to his knees in astonishment.
This is what’s wrong with soccer: the players are a bunch of unconfident beta males. Their minds are programmed not to expect to achieve the ultimate objective, scoring a goal, and so they rarely actually do it. When it actually is accomplished, they crap their pants and call their moms at home.
If I were a soccer coach, I would train my players to, at most, pump their fists briefly after a goal, and then to politely return to the starting position to start over again. Basically I would program into my players that it actually is possible to score a goal, and that to score a goal is a completely normal thing. Don’t act like you didn’t expect it to happen.
I can guarantee that my players would end up scoring more points than the average.
And I would also train them not to be a bunch of bitches and get right back up when someone bumps into them. Had to get that one out of my system.