This Guy Loves To Party

All my life, I’ve had a physically oversized head.

When I was 3 years old, I had the receding hair line of a malnourished 75 year old Filipino field worker.  (Google it.  You’ll get it.)  This was because my head was so large, my hair line didn’t begin in the right spot.

I’ve always joked that I don’t have a forehead, but instead I have a fivehead.  People always laugh at that because it’s true.  I swear to god a severely retarded guy in a wheelchair once overhead me say that one, took a look at me, and even started laughing.  It kills.

I have a set of veins on the side of my head that jump out when I get excited, laugh, or exercise.  They’ve always been there, and they’re not going anywhere.  People often point them out to me like I didn’t know they were there.  I usually respond by rubbing on them vigorously as I start panicking and yelling.  I think this is the response they expect, but I’m not sure.

But I’m not one to just accept my shortcomings.  If you also have an oversized head, then there are a few visual tricks you can use to make it look smaller.

Trick #1: Develop Your Shoulder Muscles

The best trick for making your head appear smaller is to build your deltoid muscles, which are the muscles surrounding your shoulders.  Specifically, you want to work the lateral head of the deltoid, which is the portion responsible for your shoulder width.

Wider shoulders give the illusion that you don’t have the head of a freak.  Narrow shoulders accentuate your bulbous cranium.

The lateral portion of your deltoids usually respond best to higher repetitions.  When you’re in the gym, try to throw in 3 sets of 15 reps of the following two exercises.  (Do this two times a week, preferably spread as far apart from each other as possible.)

Pitcher raise (lateral raise where, at the end of the movement, you “pour” the dumbbell downward so that your pinky is higher)

Pitcher Raise (Photo: t-nation.com)

Gironda dumbbell swing (ends the same as pitcher raise, but with a swinging motion on both arms)

Gironda Swings (Photo: t-nation.com)

The most important part of these exercises is that you’re turning your hands during the movement so that, by the end, your pinky is sitting higher than the rest of your fingers on the dumbbell.

Trick #2: Cut Your Hair, Hippy

I always get an urge to grow my hair out.  I think every guy does.  We always reach that one golden week where our haircut is absolutely perfect, and we get cocky and think to ourselves, “Why not just grow it out?”

I’ve done this many times before, and it’s a mistake for anyone with a huge head, especially if your hair just turns into a giant poofball like mine.  Cut your hair at least once a month, and keep it short.

Trick #3: Lose Weight

When you’re fatter, a lot of weight goes to your face, and since you don’t get proportionally bigger when you put on fat (your shoulders don’t suddenly get wider because you’re fatter, for example), it’ll make your head look like a giant balloon.

Trick #4: Wear a Poofy Jacket or Sweater

If all else fails, just wear a big poofy jacket or sweater at all times.  It worked for Diddy in 1996.

Join me in the war against big heads

I follow all these tips (except for the poofy jacket thing, I’m not black enough to do that) and have moved the attention away from my oversized head instead to my poor taste in clothing.

Good luck in your quest.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009 at 4:33 pm and is filed under How-to, Tips and tricks.