This Guy Loves To Party

As I write this, I’m sitting in beautiful and popular New Jersey, USA.  The last eight months of my life were spent all over South America.

Although I was never homesick, I discovered there were a few things I missed in my time away.

1. Sassy Black Women

This list is in no particular order, except for this entry.  This is a definite #1.  With a strangle-hold on the government service industry in the USA, sassy black women show other black women the world over how “being black” is done.

2. Leaf Blowers That Just Blow Leaves Out Into The Street Instead of Sucking Them Up And Turning Them Into Mulch Or Something

I didn’t really see any of these in South America, but everywhere I turn here in the USA, there’s someone in their driveway using one of these leaf blowers to blow stray leaves onto someone else’s property or nearby onto the street.  Wouldn’t a leaf vacuum of some sort be way more effective, and not result in the wind just blowing the leaves off the street right back onto the driveway?

3. Bros

The fraternity system in South America failed.  Where are the bros?  Luckily they’re all here in the USA, ready to awkwardly and drunkenly try to bond with me and ask me how much I got laid in South America.

4. Sane Drivers

The taxis in South America usually have a sticker asking, “How am I driving?  555-5555.”  The answer is typically, “Like a fucking maniac.”

5. Cash Cab

I never actually watched this show before I left, but I’ve watched a few episodes already and love it.  The host is charming.  Yes I said it.

6. Wearing Work Out Shorts With Knee-High Dress Socks

All my other socks are dead and I haven’t bought any new ones yet.  Thanks for not staring at me, USA.

7. Bumper Stickers That Offensively State An Opinion

I had trouble telling where every car owner stood on issues like abortion and gun control while in South America.  Not here!

8. Dogs Without Balls

It’s relieving to be able to pet a dog in the USA without it running in circles around me, trying to gnaw on my arm, and then pooping somewhere, all in the time span of six seconds.  Dogs without balls are awesome.

9. Cats

People can have cats in the USA because the ball-less dogs don’t eat them.  I like cats.

I didn’t want to end this on “I like cats,” but that’s all I’ve got.

I typically only watch videos online if someone comically hurts themselves, or if they embarrass themselves on TV.  Here’s a small collection of the latter.

8. Rape Stats

The reporter’s enthusiasm is contagious.

7. Reporters laughing at runway model

The big black dude’s laugh is adorable.

6. News reporter yells at pitbull

You go!

5. Kevin Everett recovery update

This will be even funnier if you’re a little racist.

4. Reporter hit with light

I’m almost positive this video is fake, but that doesn’t make it not awesome.

3. But!  He’s…

I thought I was the only one who made this mistake.

2. And boom goes the dynamite

A classic.  Not #1 on this list only because it came after…

1. Grape stomp

I think this was the first funny video I ever saw online.  You can pretty much thank this video for the creation of YouTube and thousands of videos of fat kids falling over.

Relive these wacky memories with me!!!

You know you’re a child of the ’80s if…

• You still think the street price of a gram of coke is several hundred dollars.
• You were born between the years of 1980 and 1989.
• You have a baseless sense of entitlement and very little work ethic.
• You still live at home with mom and dad to this day.
• You still catch yourself humming “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses, and that’s all it takes to distract you from work for the rest of the day.  Lazy.
• The idea of committing to anything frightens you.
• You constantly contrast big mistakes in your life with the Iran-Contra Affair.
• Shameless ’80s parody movies, whose plot-less dialogue revolves solely around making references to ’80s phenomenons without actually forming jokes, entertain you.  Fucking moron.
• The biggest problems you face day-to-day revolve around mundane issues that, in reality, are completely insignificant and unimportant, but you still bitch to all your friends because you want your voice to be heard.
• You know the meaning of “Wax On, Wax Off” ehehehehe!!!