This Guy Loves To Party

I can’t take it anymore! I’m finally posting this after countless requests – just too many people wanted to see this post.

I weighed a little less than 160 lbs. all throughout high school. One time I got sick, and that weight even went down to about 155 lbs! Like about 90% of other red-blooded males, I scoured the Internet in search of ways to build muscle.

I didn’t take any measurements or do any health-related tests, but I have one indisputable indicator of progress: before and after photos.

Here are a few comparative shots. Oh, and I forgot to mention, all of this was done with one 30-minute workout, for a total of 30 MINUTES of gym time:

How did I do it?

Here are the six basic principles that made it happen:

1. Sit at a computer for a couple hours at the beginning of the day. Do nothing physical.

2. Create a backdrop and lighting set-up that does not cast any favorable shadows on your body that might reveal musculature.

3. Do not actually flex during any poses, and in fact, have noticeably different postures than the “after” picture.

4. Go to the gym and work out really hard. Get a nice pump going.

5. Return to that backdrop you set up, but change the lighting so that it casts shadows that exaggerate your musculature. This will complement the pump you’ve got going very nicely.

6. Do the following: flex your muscles, stick your feet out, and change your hand positions so that they favor a more muscular look.

BONUS: if I had eaten a lot of carbs and drank a lot of water before the first set of pictures, I could have looked fatter!  I also wish I had more body hair in the “before” shots.

Want to absolutely transform your body?  Follow these guidelines, put in your 30 minutes, and you can make yourself look totally amazing for about an hour (until the pump wears out).

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So what’s the point of this?

The more that I’ve studied marketing, the more I’ve come to resent a lot of the manipulative tactics that the hot shots use.

This post, if you didn’t know, is a direct parody of one of Tim Ferriss’ most popular blog posts, From Geek to Freak: How I Gained 34 lbs. of Muscle in 4 Weeks.  (As of this writing, he’s nearing almost 800 comments on that post, most of which are from people who are excited by his pictures and about to try the program themselves.)

I remember running across that post about a year ago and being blown away by his results.  I stumbled on it again recently, though, and immediately recognized all the manipulative tactics he used in his before and after shots that make his results seem better than they actually are.  I’ve tried to mimic his every posture in my above photo set.

His hands in the “after” shots indicate he’s flexing and more tensed than in the “before”.  His feet are angled outwards in the “after” shots, which give a more three-dimensional shape to the legs.  The final “before” shot – where he’s standing facing straight at the camera – features maybe the most unnatural standing posture in the history of mankind.  (Try it yourself – stand up straight and angle your palms facing backwards, hands at your waist.  It not only twists your arms and shoulders in, making them appear smaller, but it feels awful.)

Also it’s easy to see that the lighting is completely different in both shots.  (Just take a look at his shadows.)  The after shot has much more favorable, indirect lighting.

All of these differences are so subtle, though, that most people would never notice.

Maybe the results and numbers he lists are the real deal.  I really doubt all of it, though, since he is clearly trying to manipulate us with his before and after shots.  And if he has to use manipulative tactics for a blog post on gaining muscle, what can we expect from an entire book about it?

All marketers are liars

I want to get out of the way that I’m a huge Tim Ferriss fanboy.  The 4 Hour Work Week gave me the inspiration to leave my job, get rid of my stuff, and pursue things I never would have before.  I wait for his every blog post with baited breath. The guy seems very, very focused and good at almost everything he does.  (Watch any video of him speaking other languages – he’s good.)

But he also embellishes – a lot.  And not just in the “you’re a hater, I just work very hard and get things done” type of way, as this post reveals.

And this is true for a lot of marketers, especially more amateur ones.  The blog world is packed with these people.  They embellish their results for the sake of traffic, and damage the free trade of good, solid information in the process.

Listen, if you know how to do something, that’s awesome.  Share it with the world and make all of our lives easier and better.  But if you have to embellish your results to be able to get your message out, then don’t waste our time.

There’s one item that I always have in my backpack.  I go nuts when I don’t have it with me.  I could lose most of the other things I have, but I’d be a manic mess without this little necessity.

I’m talking about my tennis ball.

In case you forgot what a tennis ball is. Fucking idiot.

I shouldn’t have called it my tennis ball.  I don’t have an emotional attachment to any one tennis ball.  I like almost all of them equally.

That’s because, as long as it hasn’t been molested by an attention-deprived dog or left out to bake and decompose in the sun for months, any tennis ball is the ultimate self-massage tool.

How To Use A Tennis Ball For Self Massage

I have two horrible, chronically-tight spots on my body: in the muscles near my shoulder blades, and my virgin pink asshole.  Just kidding, let me start that sentence over again.

I have two horrible, chronically-tight spots on my body: in the muscles near my shoulder blades, and in my hip muscles.  On any given day my entire upper back region feels like it’s a bunched up, tight mess, and my hip muscles especially bother me when I’m sitting in a relatively cramped spot, like the muscles connecting my legs and my back are about to snap.  This is because I’m always developing knots in these muscles.

It wasn’t until I started applying pressure to these spots with a tennis ball that I had any kind of relief.  I just place the tennis ball on a wall at the level of the affected muscle, and then rubbed away with as much pressure as I could stand.

A couple good resources for self-massage with a tennis ball:

Soft Tissue Work For Tough Guys – great explanations for why soft tissue work with a tennis ball is so important.  This article recommends massaging yourself laying down, but I find it more effective standing up against a wall.

Just fucking massaging yourself with a tennis ball – they’re super cheap. Buy one and just try it out.  That link doesn’t go anywhere, by the way.

I Would Be A Whiny Mess If I Left Home Without It

No matter where I’m traveling, a tennis ball always comes with me.  If I lose it, I drop a dollar on a new one.  Along with my pirated DVDs of the High School Musical series, it ranks as probably the most important thing I carry around with me at all times.

Would be a lot less blurry if walking. (Photo: Mingfong)

I like being in good shape.  I like being healthy.  I like having muscle.

These are some of the reasons that I don’t ever go running.

Many people seem to have the notion that running is the only way to lose weight.  This idea has been pounded into us by just about every irreputable, overweight source possible.  (I’m trustworthy and reputable, I promise you.)

The truth is, running does help you lose weight — both fat and muscle.  It’s for this reason that a lot of runners drop pounds, but always have the same body shape, albeit maybe a little bit smaller.

I also am a believer in the idea that humans, evolutionarily speaking, just aren’t designed to run.  We were designed to walk long distances and perform short sprints, which just about anyone can pull off without any kind of training.  When we migrated somewhere, we did it by walking, not by lightly jogging.  When there was danger, we made a quick sprint to safety, we didn’t slowly jog away.

So if we weren’t designed to run and it’s a bad idea for fat loss, what’s the best method to drop weight?

Simple: up-hill walking.

My Experience

About four years ago, I needed to lose some weight.  I went on a 4 mile run every morning for about two months or so.  I dreaded every run, but I did them anyway.  By the end of the experience, I had dropped a lot of fat.

However, in the gym, my strength dropped incrementally.  The running had ended up eating a good chunk of muscle along with my fat.

About two years later, I had roughly the same amount of weight to lose.  By this point, I had discovered the magic of walking.  Instead of a 4 mile run every morning, I simply went outside and did about 20 to 30 minutes of walking up hills, or hopped onto a treadmill and walked for about 20 minutes at an 8 to 10 percent incline.

The end result: I dropped the fat I wanted, and kept all my strength in the gym, too.  My muscle didn’t go anywhere.

How To Walk To Lose Weight

I don’t in any way suggest you go for light, slow walks, expecting to lose a lot of weight.  You still have to work hard.  You’ll just be working a lot smarter than the runners that struggle past you.

The end goal is that, after your time walking, you’ll be sweating pretty heavily and be panting, but won’t be struggling for breath like a runner.

If walking outside:

• Choose a spot that provides consistent uphills.
• While walking, keep your back straight, almost like you’re stretching your abs.
• Pump your arms like a power walker so that you’re not tempted to slow down.  You’re not running or jogging, but you’re still moving at a much faster pace than normal folk walking on the sidewalk.
• The walk lasts around 30 minutes or so generally, sometimes more.

If on a treadmill:

• I generally choose a speed around 3.0 to 3.4 MPH to walk at.  You will likely be around the same speed or a bit slower.
• I start around 4 percent incline and work my way up to between 8 and 10 percent within the first four minutes, depending on how my body feels.
• The walk lasts about 20 to 30 minutes if done without a weight workout.

You can really go walking any time of the day.  Sometimes I’ll walk first thing in the morning on an empty stomach; other times I’ll go for a long walk in the middle of the day.  It all depends on how you feel and what you’re comfortable with.

Walking Is Awesome

I see this as a case study of the 80/20 rule: by walking for less time, I’m doing less work and getting more results than I would if I were running.

If you enjoy running, keep doing it.  There are a lot of people who get a mental release from running.

If dropping weight and looking better is your primary goal, like it is for me, then walking is a better choice.

If you just want to drop weight and look better but you’re too afraid to admit that to yourself so you disguise your efforts under the guise of “training for a marathon” or something lame like that, then stop lying to yourself.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look better.